My gramma came out to say good night. She says she knows what I’m going through she said it was really hard when she lost my grandpa and then came to live here. She knows it’s not fair for them. She looked like she was going to cry which makes me want to cry.
Then she said whistfuly, “life’s a bugger”, smiled a little smile, and said good night again.
Until I can get some time this weekend, so that The Editor can help me login so I can post myself I resort to emailing posts. I got a phone on Monday, my dad is lending me his old phone. He still has it, because he’s pretty much a low key hoarder. He has a wall of VHS tapes that he’s been moving for about 30 years. Still has a VCR too. But, I digress. Back to this sweet phone, it’s an iPhone 5 running, I think, iOS 5 or 6. But it does what I need it to do, and a little more. By little more, I can run Netflix, which means on the lowest setting Netflix has (4 hours will cost me about a gig of data), means that I can watch the third series of Dark. I just did a quick test, and I can watch and read the subtitles not too badly. I took two screen shots too
The town is really cute. There’s an air raid siren that blasts at noon. No one tolde about this, and I thought we were being invaded! No one paid any attention to it.
Today I started the yard work. I pulled weeds, and weed whacked the front and side yard, and around the planters my mom has. Tomorrow after my run, I’ll be working on the back yard. Then I’ll be spraying roundup on all the weeds. Last weekend my dad and I thought we fixed the leaking water tank on his trailer. Well, it’s still leaking, so I figure we’ll be under it this weekend too.
It feels good to be doing stuff again.
At 6pm, this town rolls up its sidewalks and EVERYTHING closes. I have been having a blast wandering around town taking pictures. I’m sure the whole town knows I’m here now. It’s that small. If you’re looking for a stop light, ya better find another town. But let me tell you, I think this town could use a bakery/coffee shop. Badly. Looking into home based businesses we could have a home based slaughterhouse. Crazy huh?
Ok time to end this post (written entirely on an iPhone 5), my meds are kicking in, and no one else is gonna do my run.
I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.
It’s 10pm here, and I’m watching ghost adventures. I would’ve just made a blog post, but I’ll wait till Saturday so you can walk me through logging in. I have a little anxiety because my mom wants to take me around [redact]estevan[/redact] tomorrow to get applications for work. I’m scared to say anything because I can’t get a job until I get ID, a bank account and a drivers licence. And [redact]estevan[/redact] is 2 hours away. If I don’t have a drivers license, how am I going to get there? [redact]Neal[/redact] wouldn’t be able to drive me, and mom couldn’t pack gramma up every day.
So yeah I’m kind of freaking out a lot by myself in the living room. I can’t do anything at all until I get the 3 things I mentioned above. What do I do? I’m going to look into a bank account but until I gets DL I’m relying on my parents to take me around.
I’ll try the cook position tomorrow. That’s at least walking distance. I’m trying to breathe and relax. It’s not really working. I’m worried about you. I’m frealing out about the future. Everything. Am I going to screw everything up by the time you get here? I’m so scared. I’m trying to take it step by step and one day at a time, but my mind is spiralling to the future and we’re living in a tent with two cats and you hate me because we’re living in a tent with two cats.
What. Do. I. Do?
Sorry I’m just dumping this on you while you sleep, but I wasn’t going to call you freaking out while everyone is sound asleep and it’s pitch black out. part of my brain says just pack your stuff and walk. Walk anywhere but with about $120 to my name, where would I go. Nowhere. So I’ll sit here quietly frealing out and spiralling. I’m not doing anything on the phone that I shouldn’t be, I promise. That’s not even an option right now. It’ll never be an option. I live for you. You’ve saved my life I’m true to you only you. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m broken. Can I ever be fixed? I hope you can help me be a better person. I’m so fucking scared.
I’m trying to breathe.
I hope I can sleep tonight.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done and done to you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for saving me.
I love you so very very very much 
I’ll chat with you tomorrow my love.
Thank you for listening to me blubber all over the place. I feel a little better just getting it off my chest. I’m sorry for dumping it on you while you sleep. I don’t have anything to hide. I wants life to be an open book. That’s how I want to live from now on. It’s the only way. I miss you so much. I’m so scared.
I love you so very much. You are my life. I’ll talk to you as much as I can tomorrow I can wait for you to call. I love talking to you on the phone. Have a great morning, give the kitties head kisses and snuggles. I need snuggles maybe double wide will come and snuggle me tonight.
