Tag: anxiety

Four calling birds

Posted on by Shawshank

Morning all. It’s been a morning already. I was fast asleep, until 6am. Then I was awake. Awake and very tossy turny. I couldn’t get comfortable, and then I was too hot, or too cold. Then I started to get anxious. My mind said, you’ve been doing so well at work, what if it was a fluke, and you really suck ass there. You’re stupid, and sooner or later, they’re gonna figure it out. So here’s some anxiety for you to try and deal with. Have fun, idiot. You deserve this.

So needless to say, yeah. Tough morning so far. But I’m up, dressed, and the coffee has been brewed. I already have Chaucer on my lap. I’m trying to discretely do some deep breathing and just trying to calm down. I mean, it’s not too bad, but it’s been a while since I had a panic attack. I didn’t even have one before I started the new job. Why the hell did it pop up this morning?

Nevermind, it’ll pass. Hopefully quickly. But it’ll pass.

Yesterday was a nice relaxing day. I took care of the chores first thing. I thought I’d have 3 loads of laundry, but I managed to get it into two. Which is nice. The sweaters are hanging over the doors to dry. As the laundry was going, I made brunch. It turned out pretty good, except for the fact that I dropped one of Crystal’s waffles, and it broke in half, but she said that was ok. She’s a trooper for sure.

We went over to Shady Acres for dinner, and that was good. It’s relaxing over there. Mom made some beef stroganoff, and it was very good, minus the mushrooms.

After there, we came back to the Flat, and relaxed some more before heading to bed. It feels warmer out there, which explains why I felt a lot warmer this morning, than yesterday or the day before.

So happy Monday y’all. It should get better as the day goes on. Let’s get the week started!

Put on my blue suede shoes

Posted on by Shawshank

Good morning! Who has two thumbs and is currently really really anixious. That’s right, me. Yay. I woke up about a half hour before the alarm, panicking. You see, NewNewGirls last shift was Saturday. There’s no buffer anymore. It’s just BossLady and me again. You see, she made the decision to close the store, mid September I think. And we’re one week into the closing sale.

I really don’t want to work today. But I have to, and now I have to convince my body and my mind to fucking relax. It’s not really working today. I’m trying deep breathing, but when you wake up in the middle of the night freaking out about going to work in the morning it’s not going to be a good day.

I’m gonna try to make it a good day, but it’s up in the air whether or not it’ll be a good day. I’m very hopeful.

I can always feel my mood changing around Sunday mid morning. The edge comes back. The humour is a little more forced. The mind is starting to race. Monday during the day isn’t too bad, but once it gets dark, my mind knows that Tuesday is coming freaking fast, and there’s nothing that I can do about it.

I need more coffee. It’s gonna be a long long day. And I’m not looking forward to it. Yay Tuesday.

Lockup Library – retail therapy edition

Posted on by Shawshank

Yesterday, I had a lot nervous energy. We were closed, so I told NewGirl I was going for a walk.

And walk I did.

Right to the second hand store that just opened again. After a twenty minute wait, I went right the the book section. Within seconds, I had a couple of books. The Twilight actually has the Life and Death novel where it’s gender changed. New Moon – just because. And the 50 Shades? Why not? Might as well have the crappy fanfic of the Saga.

Don’t you judge me… 💀

I’ll admit, I felt better afterwards. I really did. And the best thing, all for $5

They’re already in the bookcase.

Question: should I take my grammas Louis L’Amour books? She’s offered them for me to read. Who knows, maybe I’ll be in the mood for a good western novel. They used to be my grandfathers.

Until next time, book nerds!

Heya

Posted on by Shawshank

It’s 10pm here, and I’m watching ghost adventures. I would’ve just made a blog post, but I’ll wait till Saturday so you can walk me through logging in. I have a little anxiety because my mom wants to take me around REDACTED tomorrow to get applications for work. I’m scared to say anything because I can’t get a job until I get ID, a bank account and a drivers licence. And REDACTED is 2 hours away. If I don’t have a drivers license, how am I going to get there? REDACTED wouldn’t be able to drive me, and mom couldn’t pack gramma up every day. 

So yeah I’m kind of freaking out a lot by myself in the living room. I can’t do anything at all until I get the 3 things I mentioned above. What do I do? I’m going to look into a bank account but until I gets DL I’m relying on my parents to take me around. 

I’ll try the cook position tomorrow. That’s at least walking distance. I’m trying to breathe and relax. It’s not really working. I’m worried about you. I’m frealing out about the future. Everything.  Am I going to screw everything up by the time you get here? I’m so scared. I’m trying to take it step by step and one day at a time, but my mind is spiralling to the future and we’re living in a tent with two cats and you hate me because we’re living in a tent with two cats. 

What. Do. I. Do?

Sorry I’m just dumping this on you while you sleep, but I wasn’t going to call you freaking out while everyone is sound asleep and it’s pitch black out. part of my brain says just pack your stuff and walk. Walk anywhere but with about $120 to my name, where would I go. Nowhere. So I’ll sit here quietly frealing out and spiralling. I’m not doing anything on the phone that I shouldn’t be, I promise. That’s not even an option right now. It’ll never be an option. I live for you. You’ve saved my life I’m true to you only you. I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m broken. Can I ever be fixed? I hope you can help me be a better person. I’m so fucking scared. 

I’m trying to breathe. 

I hope I can sleep tonight. 

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I’ve done and done to you. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for saving me. 

I love you so very very very much 💗

I’ll chat with you tomorrow my love.

Thank you for listening to me blubber all over the place. I feel a little better just getting it off my chest. I’m sorry for dumping it on you while you sleep. I don’t have anything to hide. I wants life to be an open book.  That’s how I want to live from now on. It’s the only way. I miss you so much. I’m so scared. 

I love you so very much. You are my life. I’ll talk to you as much as I can tomorrow I can wait for you to call. I love talking to you on the phone. Have a great morning, give the kitties head kisses and snuggles. I need snuggles maybe double wide will come and snuggle me tonight.