Tag: twilight saga

I was down at the New Amsterdam

Posted on by Shawshank

What a long day yesterday. In the truck for about 8.5 hours. That makes for a long day. The part that was supposed to be fixed, couldn’t be, for the price that they were willing to pay, so we brought it back. Frustrating on that end.

Although, I was surprised when, as we were waiting for them to figure out what they were going to do with the part, my mom drove to a book store.

“Go and get your book, the newest one, we’ll use amazon for the others.”

So after that, we’re on our way home. And we’re driving through all these really small little towns. I see a sign,

“That sign just said Eiffel Tower that way…..”

Sure enough, there’s the Eiffel Tower. Of course I get out and take pictures for Crystal. Which, hours and hours later, as she lay in bed, I got her to edit them, as my photoshop decided it didn’t want to play well with me. I can’t decide which edits I like the best, so over the course of the week, you’ll see them all.

Welcome to the Paris of the Praries

I had adrenaline rush. It’s very common, you can Google it.

Posted on by Shawshank

How can a movie be so different from the novel of our generation? Welcome to Forks, where the girls are pale, and the boys are vampires.

So many things are wrong about this movie. The pacing is off, and all of the major plot points are all wrong. I’m pretty sure only the names are the same, because while close to the book, it’s also miles off.

And that’s kind of annoying.

Hulk smash!

The plot points from the book and the movie just don’t match up. Nor do the visuals. Why would they take the Jeep and the BMW to school. LOW MOTHERFUCKING PROFILE.

I believe book Edward said, and I quote, “ostentatious”.

One of the few things that do match up is the baseball game, and the glorious 2006 Muse hit Supermissive Black Hole – which, I’m told was written just for this scene, and never released again.

He’s probably doping.

The running to Phoenix, was so blink of an eye fast, and then Bella gets away by simply walking out the front door of the hotel? That’s some serious bullshit I tells you.

Do you have a moment to talk about your saviour?

This isn’t how in my minds eye, how I pictured the ballet studio scene to go. I don’t know, I pictured in more in the day light for some reason. then suddenly slap fight and blonde evil vampire is a fireball. Anticlimactic much?

There’s the happy ending we’ve been waiting for. I believe this is the first time I’ve seen the whole move from start to finish. Will it replace the book for me? Hell no. This is a book for our generation. Without the first book, there’s no SAGA. Remember that.

Oh baby can you hear me moan

Posted on by Shawshank

“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Aww yis! You know it. Let’s do a book review on THE SAGA. The Twilight Saga, just in case you were confused.

Let me tell you, I’ve read this more than any mere mortal should. I basically used the series as a “reset” from harder reads like House of Leaves, Foucault’s Pendulum, etc. But then you can’t just read one of the books to reset – you have to read them all.

What can I say about Bella and Edward? Wayward lovers? Predator and prey? Stalker and stalkee? A Romeo and Juliet for the new generation? Dreck? Waste of paper? Yes, all of the above, I’m sure.

Twilight is where we’re introduced to Bella and the rest of the cast of characters. Bella has moved from Phoenix to Forks, Washington because her mom married a younger guy that thinks he can play baseball. So Bella being the adult in that family dynamic (“I’m an old soul” bullshit) moves in with her dad and promptly takes over everything minus paying the bills.

She meets Edward. He likes her, he hates her, he likes her. He saves her from being crushed by a van in the school parking lot.

“Say it” he whispered in my ear.

I shuddered, just thinking about it.

“Vampire”, I Said through my teeth.

The above lines never happened in the book. Come one people, this just proves that anyone can write this stuff.

New Moon. New Moon sucked ass. Jacob is a bitch. ‘Nuff said.

Eclipse. I don’t remember this book too much. Blah blah Jacob is a whiny little bitch still. He loves Bella, she’s all like but you always smell like wet dog, and that’s gross, but my man smells like Drakkar Noir, and that’s the tits. So get out of here, and I’ll buy you some Beggin Strips later.

Breaking Dawn. This is where the action happens – in the last 75 pages. It’s like a 1000 page book so get comfortable because it’s a long slow burn. Jacob has taken what Bella said to heart and bought Drakkar, Bella and Edward got married, and broke a couple beds as the did the dirty deed in a non-extraditing South American country.

And when you put male part “a” into female part “b”, and shake it around, that’s how vampire babies are made. Apparently Bella and Edward didn’t pay attention in biology class.

Baby comes out, as babies do. Killing Bella, but Edward’s like in blood lust and is like “Smorgusbord!”, and saves Bella with venomous teeth and finally after like 5000 pages of award winning writing, turns Bella into a vampire.

The end.

I kid, I kid, they have to build up to a massive fight with the Italian in-laws that want to slaughter them all because they have a different way of life, but this is America, and they’ll do as they please. They talk back and forth for another 300 pages, and all the buildup and all the talking, they just leave.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Oh, well happy ending!

And I’ll read it again. And again. And again.

I do want to read the new novel – Midnight Sun. It’s from our hero, Edward’s point of view. So if someone wants to buy it and send it to me, I wouldn’t say no, and I’d totes mention your name in the review of it.