Tag: alone

Magic, madness, heaven, sin

Posted on by Shawshank

It’s Tuesday. Yay. Only four more days until the weekend. You can make it. Excuse me for a second, I need to make some coffee. While I do that, practice your “this is gonna suck” smile. Get a pocket mirror. Practice. I’ll be right back.

I’m back. How’s that smile coming? Good, keep practicing. What’s the temp out there, you ask? Well, snuggle up! It’s currently -3c. And it feels like -7c out there. Yeah and the friggin birds are chirping out there.

I get to clean the basement this week, I’m sure I’ll have it done in a couple of hours. I’ve already told my dad I wouldn’t throw anything out unless he tells me too. That includes the bookcase full of VHS tapes, and that Sony MAVICA.

Got that smile ready? Let’s see it!

Perfect.

(How many teeth does she have jammed into her head?)

Baby, the best part of me is you

Posted on by Shawshank

Shady Acres is asleep for right now. I’m sure when my dad wakes up, we’ll be doing his honey do list. There’s only a few more things to do on it, so that’s a good thing.

It’s grey, windy and cold. It’s supposed to get wicked cold tonight. I’ll be closing my window almost all the way tonight, I put an extra blanket on last night. I’m not used to this cold. I’m sitting here, with numb toes, cold hands, and a frozen nose. If I was a smart man, I should’ve bought fall/winter clothes when I first got down here, but I didn’t. So I’m starting to pay for it. As a last resort, I have a sweater that I can put on if needed.

What am I going to do when it gets even colder? We’ll find out!

And I really miss Crystal. On days like this we’d be curled up on the couch watching movies and drinking tea. It’s harder on the grey days. We both feel terribly alone. I try really hard not to think about stuff like this, because then I’d have to explain to my mom why I’m crying on her couch. I put on my smile and say I’m ok. I just keep looking out the window like I’m expecting Crystal to pull up and honk the horn. Each night I fall asleep with the dream of pulling up to her campground spot and her running toward me. I miss her so so much 😢

And I know she misses me just as much. I just love her more than anything in the whole world.

No speed limit… this is the fast lane

Posted on by Shawshank

What a wonderful afternoon! Quiet. No noise other than a fan going. My mom had to pick up some parts for my dad in the SlightlyBiggerTowns and asked if I wanted to come for a drive. I declined. All. Alone.

It’s nice to just be alone. I ate lunch, and then, because I can, took a shower. I didn’t have to ask if anyone needed to use the bathroom, nothing. I walked, naked, from my room to the bathroom. Then when I was finished, naked from the bathroom to my bedroom.

Glorious.

I didn’t have to say where I was going, when I went to the second hand store. Just popped my headphones in, cranked some tunes, and went for a walk.

Now, I have some water, and I’m going to read ‘Ship of Theseus’ for a while, until my mom and gramma get back. What a wonderful afternoon!

The way you walk – it drives me mad

Posted on by Shawshank

I don’t know what’s worse, being alone with people around you, or having no one around you. I think they’re both equally as bad. With people around, you have to expend energy on conversation. You really do have to make some sort of effort to make it look like you’re doing ok and aren’t screaming on the inside.

Smile.

Say good morning.

Yes, I had an amazing sleep last night.

No, I didn’t hear the massive thunder storms, nor did I see the lightning. But gosh darn it I wish I did.

I’m not a talker. Let me just be alone. I’m tired of putting on a smile and faking it.

I realize I’m lucky that they even wanted me here. I don’t know what I would’ve done if they didn’t. I’m very lucky. However, it’s exhausting to fake being happy all day. Sometimes, i just have an off day.

I miss my wife. I’m well aware that this is all my fault. This is all my doing, and I’ll never completely make it up to her, but I’m going to try. I don’t even know how to put it into words. I miss her so much, all the time. So much so, if I stop and think, even just for a minute, it hurts so bad.

But then I feel guilty, because I have it so easy. She has all the stress of everything. I’d rather it be the other way around.

It’s show time, put that smile on.

Also, about 2 hours before Shady Acres has their afternoon nap.

Happy Monday.