READ FIRST
3/13/20
Good morning my lover!
Happy Friday! I can hear the rain hitting my window here. Do you know if it’s gonna clear up at all for the weekend? I hope so. Another breakfast is done – sweetened farina, whatever that is. No new books either. Ugh. I think it’s going to be a long day. Alone. Approx a month or so. Hopefully. I’m scared. I’m also anxious. I don’t know why. Probably at a 4 or 5. Why am I like this. I feel broken most days. Am I broken? I can’t wait until after lunch and I can call you. I need to hear your voice. I’m tired of crying. I don’t want to cry anymore. I just want to be held or touched again. Maybe I am a piece of shit that deserves to be in here? Maybe I’m getting what I deserve? Maybe I should just lay down. I hope you’re not mad at me from the second letter you got yesterday1. I hope you answer the phone in a few hours. I’ve disappointed you so many times. If you pick up the phone, I’m going to do my best to never disappoint you for as long as I live. I love you so much baby.
Wow, over half a page of depression. I think I’m going to try and nap or at least listen to NPR. Back later. Ok, I can’t sit still I’m wired for some reason, I’m pacing. I listened to a little NPR. Which by the way, the news is freaking scary these days. Mini panic attacks maybe. Also I’m cold. Thinking back to the corona virus questionaire. I now have the sniffle, a touch of the shits, and I’m freezing. Ugh. Yup, gonna be a loooong day. Reading a new book today: The Wheat Field by Steve Thayer. Not too bad so far.
Just talked to the councellor, she couldn’t get me stamps. I told her no problem, and I would try to re-order them on Sunday for delivery Tuesday. I did manage to snag an envelope from her, so when I get stamps I can slap some on, and you’ll get 3 (6) letters all at once! When it rains, it pours! HAHA
Wow! Another page done, on to the flip side!
Cheese pizza is what we’re having for lunch. Meh. More on this later, I’m sure. How are you? It’s really cold in here. Owen left some lemonade, so I got some hot water. It warmed me a little, but not too much. I have a sweatshirt that I should put on, but then I’ll get too hot. It’s that perfect Catch-22. I can’t wait for lunch, because soon after, I get to call you!
It’s gonna be a long day. Just standing looking into the Rec I started to tear up. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m so sorry I cried ike an idiot. I’m so tired all the time. I have no one in here. I want to ask for help, but I’m scared I’ll be put in the same place2 as the ACI, then I won’t get to call or see you. When I call you tonight, I’ll read you what I wrote to ask to go home. But here it is.
“I want to give up my right to a hearing. I wish to return to my country as soon as arrangements can be made.”
That was my choice when I got picked up – judge, or that statement.
Wow this has been a letter of absolute shit hasn’t it.
Maybe I shouldn’t write for a couple of hours.
I love you so much. <3
REDACTED
1 the letter where he asked me to find the transcripts and throw them out without reading them; for the record, I didn’t read them. – ed.
2 When he was first arrested and charged in 2018, he was kept on suicide watch for 11 days.
Books Mentioned in this Post – I might receive a small commission on any of these purchases. Likes don’t pay the bills, yo.