“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Aww yis! You know it. Let’s do a book review on THE SAGA. The Twilight Saga, just in case you were confused.

Let me tell you, I’ve read this more than any mere mortal should. I basically used the series as a “reset” from harder reads like House of Leaves, Foucault’s Pendulum, etc. But then you can’t just read one of the books to reset – you have to read them all.

What can I say about Bella and Edward? Wayward lovers? Predator and prey? Stalker and stalkee? A Romeo and Juliet for the new generation? Dreck? Waste of paper? Yes, all of the above, I’m sure.

Twilight is where we’re introduced to Bella and the rest of the cast of characters. Bella has moved from Phoenix to Forks, Washington because her mom married a younger guy that thinks he can play baseball. So Bella being the adult in that family dynamic (“I’m an old soul” bullshit) moves in with her dad and promptly takes over everything minus paying the bills.

She meets Edward. He likes her, he hates her, he likes her. He saves her from being crushed by a van in the school parking lot.

“Say it” he whispered in my ear.

I shuddered, just thinking about it.

“Vampire”, I Said through my teeth.

The above lines never happened in the book. Come one people, this just proves that anyone can write this stuff.

New Moon. New Moon sucked ass. Jacob is a bitch. ‘Nuff said.

Eclipse. I don’t remember this book too much. Blah blah Jacob is a whiny little bitch still. He loves Bella, she’s all like but you always smell like wet dog, and that’s gross, but my man smells like Drakkar Noir, and that’s the tits. So get out of here, and I’ll buy you some Beggin Strips later.

Breaking Dawn. This is where the action happens – in the last 75 pages. It’s like a 1000 page book so get comfortable because it’s a long slow burn. Jacob has taken what Bella said to heart and bought Drakkar, Bella and Edward got married, and broke a couple beds as the did the dirty deed in a non-extraditing South American country.

And when you put male part “a” into female part “b”, and shake it around, that’s how vampire babies are made. Apparently Bella and Edward didn’t pay attention in biology class.

Baby comes out, as babies do. Killing Bella, but Edward’s like in blood lust and is like “Smorgusbord!”, and saves Bella with venomous teeth and finally after like 5000 pages of award winning writing, turns Bella into a vampire.

The end.

I kid, I kid, they have to build up to a massive fight with the Italian in-laws that want to slaughter them all because they have a different way of life, but this is America, and they’ll do as they please. They talk back and forth for another 300 pages, and all the buildup and all the talking, they just leave.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Oh, well happy ending!

And I’ll read it again. And again. And again.

I do want to read the new novel – Midnight Sun. It’s from our hero, Edward’s point of view. So if someone wants to buy it and send it to me, I wouldn’t say no, and I’d totes mention your name in the review of it.