Lockup Library – Downton Abbey

I’m sitting here mostly crying. Crystal is sleeping peacefully, and without her to chat, I’m just watching Downton. Season 6, episode 3. You know, the episode where Mr. Carson gets married to Mrs. Hughes. And at the end, Tom comes back.

I love this show. Maybe it’s because it’s set in a simpler time. I don’t know. I just love it. Make fun of me if you want, I don’t mind.

It’s been a long day, and when it’s a long day, I’m just a little emotional. I’m excited to move out. I’m also very scared about living on my own. By myself. Most days that’s what I want – just to be left alone. I can’t hold a conversation,I like it to be quiet. But sometimes, like now, it’s very quiet. Some days are better than others, and I can joke around a little, but most days, I think I just want to be left alone.

It’s kind of like that episode of The Twilight Zone, about the guy that just wants to be left alone so he can read. But his glasses break.

Will I be able to handle the quiet when all is said and done? Can I be by myself and just be?

The big worries are over – unless something major happens, the house will be sold tomorrow. It’s all my fault. It’s all my fault. Everything.

Crystal is on her way to Florida. It’ll be good for her to be with family again. I’m doing the opposite – moving away, albeit 5 minutes down the road. But still. It’ll be good for her. I hope it’s good for me.

I miss her so much. I miss her so much that saying I miss you so much seems like it’s an insult. I’m not smart enough to properly express in words how much I miss her. I yearn for her. I require her. I’m mad for her.

To quote Bridgerton, I burn for her.

Yet she’s there, and I am here, and I caused all this. This is my regret. This is what I’ll have to live with for the rest of my life.

And I will.

When she smiles at me, my heart lifts.

I love her so much.

I miss her so much. I ache for her.

I got right off the topic didn’t I? Maybe it was just an excuse to get this off my chest. Well there it is. It’s just about time to sneak outside, light a joint, then sneak back inside and try to get some sleep, and do it all again on the morning.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest, even though I’m pretty certain no one will see this. I always feel better after writing my feelings down on “paper”. Please, carry on with what you were doing.