3/21/20

Hiya sweets

I know this letter is supposed to start tomorrow [3/21]. But I just want to say I love you very much, and to have sweet dreams. Dream of me, as I dream of you. I go to sleep every night thinking of you. I can’t wait to see you again. Hopefully they lift the visitation ban soon. I require you. Sleep well, my love. My angel kisses I love you.

Good AM baby! Hope you had a good sleep. We had an interesting night. Just as I’m about to turn in, the guy 2 cells over just starts freaking out. Real bad. That had to get the Response Team¹ up here to extract him from his room. Lemmie tell you the look in this guy’s eyes, didn’t look human. I don’t think he had any idea where he was. From what I could overhear, he was taken from the hospital, and he’s back in the building, and he’s ok. I’ll keep you updated.

So I haven’t seen him yet. We just had breakfast. I want to try your oatmeal.² When I have the stuff here, I daydream that it’s yours I’m eating. Personally, I can’t wait for the two hard boiled eggs I’m getting as a side dish for lunch. Ugh. According to the kiosk, I will be getting the coffee on Wednesday, so I’m saving one out of the two sugar packs I get every morning. I mean, I could buy sugar, but I won’t!

I was laying in bed last night, thinking I should be numbering the pages of these letters, so I shall start now.

I’m tired this morning. I think it was around 11-11:30ish when I finally fell asleep. Then I was up at 6:30. I tried to go back to sleep, if I did it was a very very light sleep. I’m gonna try my best no to fall asleep or take a nap today. But, I’l have you know, once again, I fell asleep thinking of you 🙂

Just had a doctor’s visit. I’m healthy. Yay. I’m sleepy. I think it’l be a nice day to read some books and to write a letter to you my love. Oh, when they replaced the books on Thursday, on of the new books is an old one I had to read in school: The Pigman. Did you have to read it? I don’t remember anything about it. I just thought it was funny to see.

I broke down and asked Bosnia for a cup of coffee. He always offers, because he uses my bowl, but when I want a second cup, it’s always after breakfast, and goes back to sleep right after he eats. Coffee is currency in here, aside from ramen, it’s coffee. Almost everyone at pretty much any time is drinking coffee. Even though this stuff is instant, it’s the best coffee I’ve had in 28 days.

Wow, would you look at that. It’s already 11am. Time flies.

You always ask on the phone, how I’m doing. I’ve figured it out. You know how I’ve said he food leaves you neither hungry nor full? I’m pretty much neither happy nor sad. I just am, I guess. As close to “meh” as someone can be. At this point, I pretty much wake up and go through the motions, then go to sleep and do it all over again. The only bright spots are when I call you, and for whatever happens on the 7th.

Even though I can’t see out my window I like to stand in front of it in the afternoon. The sunlight warms my face. It feels like you are touching me. I miss your touch a lot. I miss it so much my soul hurts. I can’t even remember what it’s like to be touched. I don’t know how everyone else deals with it. I don’t think I’ve ever been this alone in my life. And I know you’re going through the exact same thing. I’m sorry I fucked everything up. I hope I’ve changed. I think I have. I’m so sorry for everything. Thank you for staying with a piece of shit like me. I don’t deserve you. I hope to one day deserve you. I will try until my dying day. You’re an angel. My angel. I love you. I’m going to need help when I get out of here I think.

Oh, one good thing that came out of meeting with the doctor today: She says “I see you’re on Benadryl and melatonin.” I reply “I was supposed to be, I tried the medline on day 3. They didn’t have me listed, so I never went back.” She told me that she’s ordering it for tonight. So hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight. I’ll even try to go early. I think I’m just emotionally drained, and it comes out the worst when I’m overtired. And I’m a little overtired today. Although I hope you’re having a great day! Exploring the post office! I hope when you read these letters you post some of the funnier parts. You can post the sad parts too if it helps you. What helps me is writing them to you. I always feel better after writing to you. If I cry on the phone to you, I just feel weak. It’s hard to be weak to you.

Earlier this morning, CNN was on, and in the scroll, I thought it said Kenny Rogers passed away. Not the GAMBLER 🙁 He taught me that you never count your money when you’re sitting at the table. And that I’ll know when to hold ’em, and also when to fold ’em. He imparted to me the importance of knowing the difference of walking away and knowing when to run 🙂

So I hope your Saturday has been a good one. It looked windy out there this morning. It’s always slightly cool in here but I block my vent after last count at night, and take it down before first in the morning. So during the day my hands are always cold. I think I’m going to sleep well tonight. I’m already tired, and the Benadryl and melatonin will just knock me out I hope.

¹ a sort of SWAT team that handles anything BIG within the facility.
² I make oatmeal with a load of diced apples and cinnamon – ed.