Tag: blog

Oh baby can you hear me moan

Posted on by Shawshank

“About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was part of him — and I didn’t know how dominate that part might be — that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”

Aww yis! You know it. Let’s do a book review on THE SAGA. The Twilight Saga, just in case you were confused.

Let me tell you, I’ve read this more than any mere mortal should. I basically used the series as a “reset” from harder reads like House of Leaves, Foucault’s Pendulum, etc. But then you can’t just read one of the books to reset – you have to read them all.

What can I say about Bella and Edward? Wayward lovers? Predator and prey? Stalker and stalkee? A Romeo and Juliet for the new generation? Dreck? Waste of paper? Yes, all of the above, I’m sure.

Twilight is where we’re introduced to Bella and the rest of the cast of characters. Bella has moved from Phoenix to Forks, Washington because her mom married a younger guy that thinks he can play baseball. So Bella being the adult in that family dynamic (“I’m an old soul” bullshit) moves in with her dad and promptly takes over everything minus paying the bills.

She meets Edward. He likes her, he hates her, he likes her. He saves her from being crushed by a van in the school parking lot.

“Say it” he whispered in my ear.

I shuddered, just thinking about it.

“Vampire”, I Said through my teeth.

The above lines never happened in the book. Come one people, this just proves that anyone can write this stuff.

New Moon. New Moon sucked ass. Jacob is a bitch. ‘Nuff said.

Eclipse. I don’t remember this book too much. Blah blah Jacob is a whiny little bitch still. He loves Bella, she’s all like but you always smell like wet dog, and that’s gross, but my man smells like Drakkar Noir, and that’s the tits. So get out of here, and I’ll buy you some Beggin Strips later.

Breaking Dawn. This is where the action happens – in the last 75 pages. It’s like a 1000 page book so get comfortable because it’s a long slow burn. Jacob has taken what Bella said to heart and bought Drakkar, Bella and Edward got married, and broke a couple beds as the did the dirty deed in a non-extraditing South American country.

And when you put male part “a” into female part “b”, and shake it around, that’s how vampire babies are made. Apparently Bella and Edward didn’t pay attention in biology class.

Baby comes out, as babies do. Killing Bella, but Edward’s like in blood lust and is like “Smorgusbord!”, and saves Bella with venomous teeth and finally after like 5000 pages of award winning writing, turns Bella into a vampire.

The end.

I kid, I kid, they have to build up to a massive fight with the Italian in-laws that want to slaughter them all because they have a different way of life, but this is America, and they’ll do as they please. They talk back and forth for another 300 pages, and all the buildup and all the talking, they just leave.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Oh, well happy ending!

And I’ll read it again. And again. And again.

I do want to read the new novel – Midnight Sun. It’s from our hero, Edward’s point of view. So if someone wants to buy it and send it to me, I wouldn’t say no, and I’d totes mention your name in the review of it.

Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high

Posted on by Shawshank

Still reading ‘Ship of Theseus’, I still have no idea what’s going on. I’m dealing with the main story, and the secondary story in 3 different time frames (depending on the colour of the ink). It’s very confusing. I’m going to have to find a guide to reading this book, because I have no idea how to read it. I am enjoying the main story though! Haha

With hands quick as light

Posted on by Shawshank

I’ve had batter sleeps. With these damned allergies, I can seem to breathe at night. Last night was bad. And it was supposed to to be cool last night. Spoiler alert; it wasn’t. Or it didn’t feel cool. I was hot, cold, hot hot, cold. I was up in the middle of the night to pee, and tossed and turned for a while because I was too hot. Finally, I fell asleep, and it felt like the alarm went off right away.

But now I have some coffee.

Sweet, sweet coffee.

I gotta find some Advil if the coffee doesn’t seem to help. I’m really simply tired of these allergies. I will I could carve out my sinus’ and be done with them. I’ve gone through so many boxes of Kleenex.

Can I get a couple of good nights sleep in a row? That’d be noice.

Well, I just got into town an hour ago

Posted on by Shawshank

It’s Fri-Yay! Y’all made it! It’s a cool breezy day here in TinyTown. Yesterday was grocery day. We blew through it in record time, and was back to the house by noon.

I bought a bag of books dirty cheap at the second hand store, and set up my own bookshelf, moving some Nora Roberts and JD Robb out of the way to make room for some awesome books.

Watched Donnie talk at people last night. Standing ovations each time he said god. Fear mongering at its finest. It’s frustrating listening to him try so hard to emote and talk about love and then blame everyone else for what’s happened. Shut that off and went to bed.

It got cold in the night, but it was a good sleep. I always sleep better when it’s a little colder out. I was all snuggled in blankets and the alarm scared me this morning.

Today, I’m gonna be heading to a garage sale. The last one we went to was ok, nothing but crafts, but this one boasts “EVERYTHING MUST GO”, so we’ll see what they have to offer. I’ve been watching car shows so I now know how to negotiate very well. Maybe something will jump out at me. We’ll see 🧐

So it goes

Posted on by Shawshank

Welcome back, friends. I’m going to try and do two reviews in one, and to try and remember the books because it’s been a while since I’ve read these books. And they are great books. Good use of dead trees. So it goes.

Slaughterhouse-Five or the Children’s Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death

Think of Slaughterhouse-Five as a science fiction anti-war book. In it we’re introduced to Billy Pilgrim. It’s about his experiences during the firebombing of Dresden, and after the war. It really grabs me right from the start, because I like the fact that Billy is an unreliable narrator. You are thrown right into the thick of things, because of time travel.

“So it goes”. Every time someone dies, or death is mentioned, the refrain – “So it goes” is said. For me, I believe it just accepting death and what’s happened. You find that you barely even notice that you’re reading “So it goes” after a while. “So it goes” is written 106 times in the book.

I had never read Vonnegut before, I really enjoyed the Sci-fi aspect of the novel. I never had to deal/worry about being drafted into the military, but this book really helped me to begin to understand war, violence, and death associated war. So it goes.

Cat’s Cradle

According to Wikipedia, Cat’s Cradle is satirical postmodern novel, with science fiction elements.

What? Again like the Slaughterhouse-Five, it’s completely foreign to me. It’s a completely different time. Over a generation apart from my time. For me, it was making fun of religion. Sure, there’s other things going on, but on just one reading, religion is what i took away from it.

Bokononism the religion secretly practiced by the people of San Lorenzo. It’s a very complete and well thought out religion. Example:

Pool-pah: a shit-storm, wrath of god.

Both of these books grabbed me right from the beginning, and kept my attention all the way through. It’s cliche, but I seriously laughed, and cried. So go out to the library, bookstore, wherever, and pick both of these up.